


Oblivion Is Calling Out Your Name

by sangha



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, I'm Sorry, M/M, Pre-Series, Suicide, also Jem is the best sister ever, and Bill Macy is the biggest asshole to ever walk the earth, and so is Kieren, in which Rick is stubborn, this is not a happy fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-03
Updated: 2014-09-03
Packaged: 2018-02-16 00:02:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2248413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sangha/pseuds/sangha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pre-series fic about the relationship between Kieren and Rick, up to Kieren's death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oblivion Is Calling Out Your Name

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for suicide and homophobic slurs

Rick Macy had never been easy to be with. His carefully constructed personality was often impossible to penetrate. Kieren wondered on more than one occasion why he even bothered with Rick anymore. But then Rick would drop the façade, even just for one afternoon, and Kieren would be reminded of why he cared so much.

They’d been friends since elementary school, thick as thieves. Kieren knew he could trust Rick with anything. Everything changed when Kieren really started to get into drawing, and Rick asked him to draw a portrait. Kieren obliged and worked harder than ever on getting the drawing right. When he was done, he felt it was the most personal drawing he’d ever made. Rick took it home, and that’s when all hell broke loose. The first of many.

Weeks after the drawing had been made, Rick’s father found it in a drawer. When Rick came back from school, Bill Macy was waiting for him in his room. 

“What’s this then?” he demanded of his son, voice far too calm for comfort.

Rick looked at the drawing in his father’s hands. “It’s just something Kieren made for me,” he replied, carefully. 

Bill huffed in response. “I don’t want that little faggot anywhere near you,” he said, tearing up the drawing, throwing the pieces on the floor, and leaving the room. Not long after, Bill bought his son a subscription to Playboy magazine.

From then on, every time they wanted to meet, Rick would tell his father he was at another friend’s house. Kieren had wanted to go over to the Macy’s and give Bill a piece of his mind when Rick told him what had happened, but Rick hadn’t allowed it. So they spent most of their time in secret. It was as if they were doing something wrong, as if their friendship was somehow innately wrong, and Kieren hated it. More than that, he hated to admit how deep the word ‘faggot’ cut him. At age 16, he knew he looked at boys in a way that probably couldn’t be classified as heterosexual. He liked girls, too, which made it all the more confusing. And worst of all, he liked Rick. He liked how Rick was already much broader than him, he liked Rick’s stupid grin, and he liked the way Rick seemed to have an aspect to his personality that was only meant for Kieren’s eyes. He also knew that Rick wasn’t like that and he spent his nights hoping for something that would never happen.

\--- 

They found the cave about a month after the incident with the drawing. It was perfect. Nobody would be able to find them here; the area was completely deserted. Kieren was glad he brought some sandwiches when he heard Rick’s stomach rumbling loudly. That boy was always hungry. 

They walked into the cave, the faint glow of their cell phone screens the only light to guide their way. When they found a spot that was big enough for them both to sit comfortably, they figured they were far back enough into the cave that even if someone were to walk past, they wouldn’t be able to see or hear the boys.

They sat down and ate the sandwiches in companionable silence for a while. Rick was really hungry; he’d eaten two sandwiches before Kieren had even finished one.

“I’m sorry my dad called you a faggot,” Rick said suddenly, breaking the silence.

Kieren was taken aback. “s’alright,” he said, shrugging.

“No, it’s not.” Kieren could tell Rick was looking at him intently, trying to establish eye contact, but Kieren was too busy staring at his feet. He was afraid he’d do something stupid if he looked at Rick. He was acutely aware of the distance – or rather, lack thereof – between them, and Kieren could’ve sworn Rick had been sitting further away a moment ago. “Ren, look at me.”

Kieren turned towards Rick, finding his friend’s face much closer to his own than he’d expected. There was a question burning in Rick’s eyes, but Kieren was too dazed to figure out what the question was, or how to answer it. All he could do was stare at his friend. Rick moved even closer, closing the distance between them completely and finally pressing his lips to Kieren’s. Kieren’s body understood what was happening before his brain did and he returned the kiss. It was a slow exploration, one that seemed entirely natural. There was no hurry to get anywhere, no pressure whatsoever. It was a long while before they broke apart long enough to exchange words.

\--- 

Whenever they were in the cave, everything was perfect. Half the time, they wouldn’t even really talk, they’d just lie down, hold each other, kiss. Outside of the cave, things were different. Bill Macy had begun an unrelenting campaign of ensuring his son would be the most heterosexual man in all of Roarton by exposing him to a variety of magazines and pornographic films, while also providing him with posters of half-naked women he could put up on his walls. Rick’s mother had protested at the posters – she didn’t know about the magazines or the films – but whatever Bill wanted, happened. Every now and then, he’d take Rick to a strip club for “some real contact,” as he had so eloquently put it.

Bill had to go away on army business – Kieren didn’t bother to ask about specifics. He was just relieved that for once, they didn’t have to make up some story to hang out. As much as he loved the cave, there was something to being out in the open. It wasn’t even that he wanted to do any boyfriend things with Rick in public, like kissing or even holding hands. He just wanted their friendship to not be hidden from view, at the very least. 

“Let’s go to your house,” Kieren suggested.

“Why? What’s wrong with the cave?”

“Nothing’s wrong with the cave. I just want to be somewhere else for once and now’s the chance.” Rick’s face betrayed his unwillingness, so Kieren went for the big guns. With the biggest puppy eyes he could manage, he asked, “please?”

Rick couldn’t hide a smile. “Fine.” As they started towards Rick’s house, Kieren heard Rick mutter “you’re ridiculous” under his breath. Kieren grinned.

Janet Macy welcomed Kieren back. “Hello Kieren,” she said. “Haven’t seen you in a while, dear.” If she knew about the drawing, she never let on. 

“Erm, yeah, I’ve been kind of busy lately,” he replied lamely. 

“Well, I’m certainly glad to see your face again. You always were such a good influence on Rick,” she said, smiling. Kieren wondered how such a kind hearted woman could have married someone like Bill Macy.

\--- 

Kieren knew what Rick’s room would look like, but it was still strange to actually see it. It didn’t represent Rick in any way, whereas Kieren’s room was a direct reflection of his personality and his interests. “How do you put up with…all this?” he asked, vaguely gesturing at the pictures on the walls.

Rick shrugged. “Not like I got a lot of choice, do I?” he retorted.

“You could stand up to him,” Kieren suggested. Being in the closet was one thing, letting your father transform you into a completely different person was something else altogether. 

“He’d kick me out.” Rick smiled wryly. After a pause, he added, “not everyone has parents like yours, Ren.”

Kieren nodded. He hadn’t come out to his parents, but he was fairly certain they would support him. He didn’t have to fear their response. “I’m sorry,” he said, scooting closer to Rick on the bed, leaning in to kiss him.

Rick pushed him away. “Not here,” he whispered, as if Bill was just standing outside the door.

“Why not? Your mum’s going to leave us alone, your dad’s not here. Besides, it’s kind of…rebellious. Pretty hot,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows, knowing he’d look completely ridiculous. At least it got a laugh out of Rick. Kieren kissed him again and this time, Rick kissed him back. 

There was an air of defiance to what they were doing, in that constructed den of heterosexuality Bill Macy forced his son to live in. It was nice to pretend that everything was alright, for a while. They were just two teenagers in love, messing around the way teenagers in love did. That afternoon, they were free.

\--- 

Kieren had always wanted to make someone a mix CD. Sharing music with someone was incredibly personal, he felt, and Rick was the first person who was deserving of that kind of trust. He carefully compiled a playlist, one that he hoped showed how much Rick meant to him. 

He decided to give it to Rick the next time they were in the cave. When that day came, Kieren was suddenly nervous. What if Rick thought it was stupid? But then, he had poured so much of himself into it, he couldn’t not give it. He awkwardly handed the CD to Rick, who looked puzzled.

“What’s this?” 

Kieren blushed, hoping it wouldn’t be noticeable in the darkness of the cave. “It’s erm…it’s something I made. For you.” Suddenly, he feared the gesture would push Rick away. Rick wasn’t much for talking about his feelings, or Kieren’s for that matter, often shutting down the conversation before it had even really started. The CD was far too intimate, too personal, and worst of all, it left no room for interpretation. It was essentially a declaration of love.

Kieren was about to stumble an apology when Rick said, “thanks, Ren,” his eyes leaving no doubt to the sincerity of the statement. 

Kieren relaxed again, happily leaning against Rick. Everything was fine.

\--- 

For a while, at least.

In hindsight, Kieren should have known this was coming. He should have thought his actions through. He should’ve never made that CD. But he had. There was no going back now. Bill Macy found the CD and instead of ‘just’ yelling at Rick about it and calling Kieren a faggot behind his back, he decided more direct action was warranted this time. 

Kieren was having dinner with his parents and sister, completely oblivious to the thunderstorm that was Bill Macy that was about to burst in and destroy everything. 

A loud knock on the front door. Steve got up and opened the door. “Bill, what are you –”

Before Steve could finish his question, Bill walked into the living room, yelling, “where is that little faggot?”

Kieren felt his stomach drop. Sue looked from Kieren to Bill, completely confused. Jem stared angrily at Bill, in a way that could only be described with “if looks could kill…” 

Sue spoke first. “What do you think you’re doing, Bill?” Her voice was steady, but Kieren could tell she was having a hard time keeping it that way.

“I will not have that queer corrupt my son,” Bill spat out. “I will not have that kind of filth in my house.”

Steve looked utterly helpless, unsure of how to respond. Sue was clearly boiling with anger, but she kept her cool. “Well Bill,” she said calmly, “right now, you’re in my house insulting my son and I will not have that.” 

Bill, on the other hand, could not stop yelling. “Your son is a fucking faggot.” His eyes filled with hate as he turned his gaze from Sue to Kieren. “Fairies like you are banned from my house. I will fucking kill you if you come near Rick again.” 

Jem got up, presumably to punch Bill, judging by the way she was standing, but Bill had already turned around and walked out of the room.

Kieren felt sick. The smell of his dinner turned his stomach. Tears were rolling down his cheeks, unable to stop them. Jem walked over and hugged him tightly. Sue and Steve were talking very quietly; Kieren couldn’t hear what they were saying. He hugged his sister back, grateful for her presence. She was so fierce in everything she stood for; he could not have asked for a better sibling. 

Finally, Sue and Steve returned to the dinner table. Once again, Sue was the one who started talking. “Kieren, we want you to know that we will love you no matter what. It’s okay to be whoever you are,” she assured him.

Kieren tried to smile. The thing was, it hurt to be called a faggot. It hurt to see Bill’s hatred so clearly in his eyes. It hurt to be confronted with such blatant homophobia. It hurt more to know that Bill would do anything to keep Rick away from him. It hurt more to know that his idiotic gesture, his stupid declaration of love burned onto a CD, had been the cause. It hurt more to know that Rick would be pushed even further into the closet now. And it hurt more to not know where he and Rick would stand after this.

Steve finally spoke. “Kier, we don’t care if you and Rick are…boyfriends.” The last word was spoken hesitantly, as if he wasn’t sure that was the right word nowadays. 

“Well, we’re not anymore now, are we?” Kieren said between sobs.  
He spent the night crying in his room, the anger in him boiling every now and then to the point that he started smashing his things. His parents had, thankfully, decided to leave him be for now. Before they went to bed, they knocked on Kieren’s door and let themselves in. 

“Kieren, if there’s anything you need, just come ask us, okay?” Sue said, stroking his hair.

“We love you, son,” Steve added, in a rare display of open affection.

Kieren managed a smile. “Thanks.” He felt empty inside. 

Not long after his parents had gone to bed, his door opened again. This time it was Jem. She didn’t say anything, climbed into his bed, and held him until he finally fell asleep. For a long time after, he wondered what he had ever done to deserve a sister like Jem.

\--- 

Kieren had expected things to change, but he hadn’t expected that it would be practically impossible to get Rick alone, even just to talk to him. It took almost two weeks for Kieren to talk to Rick in private. He finally cornered him after school. “You’ve been avoiding me,” he said accusingly. 

Rick shrugged. “So what?” His voice was cold but Kieren could see through the lie.

Over the past few weeks, the anger Kieren had initially only felt towards Bill, had begun to extend to Rick too. Rick had never been willing to fight for them. He had never even tried to stand up to his father. A voice in the back of his mind kept telling him it was unfair to judge Rick, that he must be in just as much pain as Kieren, but Kieren blocked it out. Right now, he was finally talking to Rick, after almost two agonizing weeks, and Rick was lying to him. “You can pretend you don’t care, but it doesn’t change the fact you’re just as much a faggot as I am.” Rick flinched at the slur and Kieren felt nothing but satisfaction from it. “If you don’t want to stand up for us, at least have the guts to stand up for yourself.” 

Rick’s façade was breaking, tears starting to form in his eyes. Kieren took a step back, realizing what he had said, guilt immediately washing over him. “I’m sorry,” he said softly, wishing he could take his words back. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

Rick shook his head. “You’re right. I’m a coward. I just don’t know how to…” He didn’t finish his sentence, but he didn’t have to. Kieren understood, as much as he could understand anyway. 

\--- 

They tried to meet at the cave regularly, but in reality, their visits became less and less frequent. Rick ignored Kieren at school, not even greeting him in the hallways. Kieren tried not to blame him for it. When rumors began to circulate that Kieren was gay, Rick laughed along with the other guys every time they called Kieren a faggot or some other slur. It became harder not to blame Rick.

The cave became a separate world to them. Kieren momentarily forgot about the cruelness at school, Rick forgot about his father and who he was supposed to be to the rest of the world. They were happy there.

As soon as they left the cave, everything instantly changed back to the way it was before. Rick would go on ignoring him, he would continue to go along with whatever his father wanted. Kieren felt he was shrinking into himself, no longer having the energy to challenge Rick, let alone Bill. He lived for the moments in the cave and was miserable outside of it.

His parents noticed something was off, but Kieren didn’t want to talk to them. Sometimes Jem would come into his room at night and they’d talk in whispers, sharing things they’d been keeping to themselves because the darkness felt safe. They’d never said it out loud, but they both knew whatever was said in that room was not to be shared with others.

He told Jem about the cave, about Rick and how stupid he was, about the guys at school calling him that and Rick not doing anything about it, about Rick writing Ren + Rick 4ever on the cave wall while Kieren looked on, laughing at this ridiculous boy he’d fallen in love with. He told her he wished he didn’t love Rick, that he wished this could be easier, that he wished Rick could love himself enough to stand up to Bill. 

\--- 

“Let’s leave together,” Rick said. It was one of those peaceful afternoons in the cave, the kind that was becoming rare. Kieren’s head was nestled in Rick’s lap. They had been quiet for a while.

Kieren sat up. “What?”

“Let’s just pack our shit and leave Roarton. This summer, we can just go. We can go anywhere.” He looked expectantly at Kieren. 

It was an insane idea, but also the best idea Kieren had heard in a long time. They could go to Europe, be whoever they wanted to be. He could feel the excitement building as he came up with plans in his mind. He hadn’t felt this alive in months. “Okay,” he simply replied.

“Really?” Rick was grinning wider than Kieren had ever seen. 

That afternoon was spent coming up with plans. Paris, Amsterdam, Berlin, maybe backpack across Eastern Europe? Anything was possible. They started meeting more often at the cave again, planning the finer details of their trip. Kieren booked hotels and flights, knowing that if he got caught, he’d have an easier time explaining their plans than Rick. He kept the tickets safely stored in his bedside table, counting down the days until he could leave Roarton.

\---

“I’m joining the army.” The words were like a punch to the gut. 

It took a while for Kieren to form a coherent thought. “What?” was all he managed to say in response.

“I’m leaving tomorrow, for training.” Rick refused to look at Kieren.

Disbelief overwhelmed Kieren, followed quickly by sadness, disappointment, and finally anger settling in his gut. “What the fuck, Rick? We were going to go away together! We had plans! You promised me!” 

“I wanted to join the army.” 

“Oh really?” Kieren spat back. “You wanted to join the army? Your father had nothing to do with it? For once, for once in your fucking life, would you stand up for yourself? You are going to throw everything away because of your dad. Think about that.”

Rick’s face was like a mask. “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

Kieren laughed, a horribly bitter sound. “Yeah, okay. You know what, Rick?” he said as he crowded his best friend’s personal space. “You’re a fucking coward. You’re weak.” He wanted to punch Rick but calmed down enough to walk away instead.

He didn’t tell Jem about that afternoon.

\--- 

There was a knock on his bedroom door. He didn’t leave his bed much anymore. He hadn’t drawn anything in a while. Both his parents entered the room, Sue looking like she was close to tears. They sat down on Kieren’s bed.

Steve took a deep breath. “Kieren, we have to talk to you.”

The fear and anguish that he had been pushing down every night surfaced immediately. Rick. He wanted to ask, but no words would form. All he could do was wait for his parents to continue. Finally, Steve did. “Something happened. To Rick. There was an explosion…a bomb…he didn’t make it.”

I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” Sue said, pulling her son into a tight hug.  
Kieren felt hollow. Rick died thinking Kieren thought of him as a coward. He wanted to tear and smash and break everything in his room. He wanted to ruin everything he had ever owned until there was nothing left. But his limbs felt heavy and he couldn’t will himself to move. All he could do was be held by his mother, too empty inside to even cry.

The tears came hours later, gut-wrenching sobs leaving Kieren’s body, his parents and sister hovering over him, trying to make it better. 

He only got up for the funeral. He had vaguely hoped that taking a shower would shake off this numbness, but he felt just as hollow after half an hour of water pouring over him. His mom had picked out a suit for him, which she left on his bed. He put it on, barely aware of his motions. 

The drive to the cemetery was excruciatingly slow. He just wanted this to be over so he could go back to bed. The only thing he wanted more than his bed was to say goodbye to Rick, even if he’d be talking to an empty coffin. It was better than nothing. It was the only reason he didn’t demand his parents take him back home right now.

He hadn’t given a single thought to Bill Macy since he learned of Rick’s death. It hadn’t occurred to Kieren for one second that his banishment from all things Macy would continue in death. He was wrong. The second Bill spotted the Walkers, he hurried towards them. He spat in Kieren’s face. “Thought I told you to stay away from Rick.” 

Numbness was replaced with anger. How dare Bill take this from him? This was his only chance to say goodbye. He would never bother the Macy’s again. There was no Rick to go to anymore. This funeral was all he had. He lunged forward, landing a blow on Bill’s face before his parents restrained him. Bill looked shocked when he realized he was bleeding. Before he fully realized he just got punched in the face by ‘a little faggot,’ the Walkers were already back at their car. 

\--- 

Kieren barely left his room. He tried to draw a couple of times, but every time he started sketching, the lines were too familiar, too far away, and he couldn’t bring himself to continue. So he stayed in bed, not talking to anyone, not even Jem. She would spend hours in his room, sometimes telling silly stories, sometimes not talking at all, but she got no response from Kieren.

When he did leave his room, he went to the cave. It hurt to be there, but it was also the only place he could be alone. It was the only place where he could still feel Rick’s presence. He would eventually drag himself back home, back to his bed. Until he didn’t.

Time wasn’t healing his wounds. It was deepening them. He felt worse every day. He barely ate anymore; he just wasn’t hungry. Everything about him felt heavy with hollowness. All of his plans for the future had been changed when Rick told he was joining the army. But somewhere, even when he was angry, he held onto a future where he would travel Europe with Rick. “When he gets back,” he kept telling himself. But Rick wasn’t coming back. His future collapsed when his parents sat down on his bed to deliver the news. And the ugly truth, the one he’d been trying to avoid ever since Rick joined the army, was that he was not needed. Rick didn’t need him, worse, he didn’t even want him. Rick wanted the army and his father’s approval more than he wanted Kieren. 

Kieren just wanted everything to end. 

He sat down, his back against the cave wall. He could see “Ren + Rick 4ever” from where he was sitting. Tears welled up in his eyes, feeling too much and too little all at once. 

Part of him had already been left here, in this cave where two boys fell madly in love. He could leave the rest of him here, too. 

The pocket knife felt heavy in his hand. He made the first cut, vertically. He knew that was more effective. There was a sharp pain, but he felt oddly fascinated at the sight of blood pouring from his wrist. He didn’t feel the second cut as acutely. 

As the pain began to ebb away, all he felt was relief.

**Author's Note:**

> I realize that using the word "relief" at the end can be seen as a romanticization of suicide, and I in no way intended it to be. I decided to use that description because Kieren himself described feeling relief when he talks to Amy about his death and I wanted to stay true to canon on that point.
> 
> My [tumblr](http://www.hufflepuffbuckybarnes.tumblr.com)


End file.
